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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: No Mom Talk Truth

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No Mom Talk Truth

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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: No Mom Talk Truth

Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland

October 18, 2010

No Mom Talk Truth

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Welcome back to another edition of No Mom Talk Monday! Just a quick run-down of the “rules” before we get started! I’m not a big stickler for rules, so if you slip up, then that’s ok. I promise not to delete your link or anything overly ridiculous like that. :-) The object of this little meme is to simply STOP spending every single waking moment of our lives being moms and talking about our children. Not that I don’t love being a mommy and that I don’t absolutely adore my son and revel in talking about him every time I get a chance. However, there are things outside of motherhood that I enjoy. And Monday’s are my days to talk about things that don’t involve my son or motherhood or parenting in anyway.

Now. If you read my post on Friday, you know that I have decided to take on the 30 Days of Truth challenge. I’m not promising that every Monday will be a truth, or that I’ll even post one every week, but you can keep your eyes peeled because these are going to serve as back up ideas/fill-in posts when my creative tank is on empty. And because so many of you seem to have loved this idea; and several of you even asked if I was going to open a Linky, I created a button and I’ll be posting a linky in the sidebar of my blog so you can participate. Wanna see the button?            

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You can grab this button and my No Mom Talk Monday button from the sidebar. Just a little disclosure: I do not in any way, shape or form take credit for the idea of 30 Days of Truth. I didn’t come up with the questions and this was not originally my idea. I am not posing these as my own. I’m simply answering them in my own way and offering the opportunity for my readers to link up their answers in one place and receive some feedback. You can find the list of questions HERE.

I’m not going to answer any questions today.

Instead, I’m just going to open up and share some things that I sometimes feel like I don’t necessarily…tell the whole truth about. I’ve never lied on my blog. Ever. Everything you read here, is true. Don’t believe me? Go check out my testimony. You don’t more real than that. I try to be as open and as honest as I can here. But I will also admit that there comes a point when you have a growing blog readership that you start to wonder if maybe something you say will drive away readers. My little post on the Toy Story t-shirt with the improper grammar lost me two followers. But, I’ve gained about 6 back in their place, so I guess I still win. Anywho that’s not the point. I just want to clear the air about some things that maybe I have underplayed a little bit here.

I don’t go to church. And the reason I don’t go to church, is because I’m not comfortable in church. I feel judged in church. I feel like everywhere I have ever been to church at, that I have been criticized and condemned and judged because of things I’ve done in my past, or even because of superficial things like what I wear. I don’t like to go to a church and feel like I’m not welcome and that I’m not wanted there. Or, honestly, to feel like all anyone in the church wants is your offering.

I worry that sometimes I give the wrong idea about my Faith and my spiritual life. I am a devout Christian. I serve Christ whole-heartedly and believe with every single ounce of my being that he is the only way, the only truth, and the only life. But I struggle. Every single day I struggle. I don’t pray like I need to; I don’t study my Bible like I should; and I already mentioned that I don’t “fellowship with other believers” as the Bible says that we should. I am imperfect. I question God. I doubt God. And there have been times when I have just been down right angry with God. But I’m a sinner. I’m flawed. And as much as I love my Lord and as certain as I am that when I leave this Earth that I will be in heaven, I fail every single day.

That being said, I pull away from God because I’m scared. I know what the Bible says about how God tests people to strengthen their Faith. And the stronger your Faith becomes, the more he continues to test you. I’m scared. I read about people who’s children have cancer or who lose their husband/wife and they write/blog about how much stronger their Faith has become because they’ve had to lean on Christ to get them through. I know what that’s like because I’ve done it during some of the rockiest and worst parts of  my life. But I’m terrified to the depths of my soul that if I allow my Faith to grow to a certain point that I’m bound to have something horrible happen to my family. And just the thought of losing my husband or my son or of either of them getting sick-makes me physically sick to my stomach. But God always calls me back to him. Even when I try to pull away and try to push against what he wants for my life and push against his desires for me to be the kind of person he created me to be-he’s always there dragging me back. And that’s what I love about God. He never gives up on me no matter how hard-headed I am.

I cried off and on all day yesterday. I was trying to get some things together for Little Man’s birthday party…the guest list was pathetic. Everyone I invited except for a handful of people, seem to have better things to do and wouldn’t RSVP to my calls, emails, or Facebook messages. I was frustrated with everything because the only person that I really even care to be there for his birthday party, is his daddy. So I threw my hands up and basically just said screw it. I called Hubby, then my mom, and talked to Hubby’s mom and we decided to not even do a big birthday party. Everyone is just going to do their own thing. My parents, Hubby’s mom and then Hubby’s dad are all just going to have little small family get togethers. It’s so not worth the headache. Because I don’t care. And Little Man isn’t old enough to understand. All I know is that my son’s father won’t be here for his birthday. And it breaks my heart. If he were older, I would do a party anyway. But since he doesn’t “get it” yet, I’m not even concerned.

I hate being away from my husband. Absolutely, totally and completely 110% HATE IT. I’ve done well with keeping it together, but since I’m being honest, I’ll admit that I despise A-School. Every freakin’ thing about it. The only thing getting me through is this blog, my camera, my son and the fact that I need to continue to hold it together for my husband a little bit longer so that he can finish doing what he’s doing. And knowing that this road is going to take him where he needs to be…where he wants to be career wise. And I’m so unbelievably, makes-other-people-sick proud of him. :-) I could brag and brag and brag about what all he is doing and how awesome he is. {Don’t worry, I won’t!}

I’m beginning to revisit my former obsession with fashion and high heels. I don’t know where it has come from or why it’s suddenly his as hard as it has, but I am tired of looking and feeling like a rundown mom. I’m tired of going to my closet and being absolutely disgusted by what’s in there. I hate having to pull out a bunch of plain t-shirts and the same ole jeans day after day after day to put on. I’m tired of running out of the house looking like and feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck. I’m not superficial by any means, so I don’t want it to come across that way. But I don’t want to feel like just because I’ve got a child now, that I can’t be…attractive and sexy and fashionable. Because that’s just garbage.

I’ve spent the past…oh, two months maybe? watching Sex & the City in it’s entirety. I love Sarah Jessica Parker & I’m a HUGE fan of Carrie Bradshaw. I think she epitomizes who I once dreamed of becoming in some ways. A successful writer, living in and loving life in Manhattan, fashionable & stylish with her fabulous closet full of unbelievable shoes {yes. I’m a shoe person}. I won’t exactly vouch for her estranged love life and various sex partners…but job, the city, the clothes…yep. I could totally be Carrie Bradshaw.

Alright. I think that’s enough truth for now. If I keep going you guys will get sick of reading this ridiculously long post won’t have anything to read when I get to answering the actual questions.

Don’t forget to spread the word about No Mom Talk Monday! If we reach 15 entries there just might, maybe, may be a sweet little giveaway…And if you decide to join in on 30 Days of Truth grab the button and link up! Happy Monday all!!

 

{PS- If you are planning to link up with a 30 Days of Truth post, please label it accordingly and link just to your 30 Day of Truth posts…not to one post in particular or to your blogs homepage. That way, all of your posts will be labeled and everyone can find them all in one place. This will cut down on having to come back and re-link over and over and over again every time you post a new “truth.” I’m leaving the linky open until December 31, 2010. It’s under the 30 Days of Truth button! Hope to see some of you joining in!}

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