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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Realizations

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Realizations

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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Realizations

Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland

May 21, 2010

Realizations

I feel like this whole being away from my husband is starting to cause more harm than good. I understand that whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” shenanigan and I truly believe that. To an extent. I think right now my hubby and I are both so stressed out and aggravated that we are pushing one another away. We’re both just sitting ducks waiting on the CG to figure out what the heck is going on with this whole moving situation. Are we {as in Little Man and I} staying or going? Is Hubby coming home on leave and for how long?  I hate all of this dragging around and crap. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS so I can make some plans. Airline tickets are going up in price every single day, so if Hubby is coming home on leave it would be grand for you {The GOVERNMENT}  to let us know, since we are going to have to pay for the ticket ourselves. And I would rather get it now instead of later when prices are even higher. And if Little Man and I are going to make the move to Cali, it would be great for you guys to let us know that, too. Because lets not forget that I’m the one that’s going to have to find us somewhere to live in a minimal time frame {Over the phone…in  a matter of weeks}. Not to mention drive back to Tampa and meet your movers to haul away our stuff. So this whole d r a g g i n g around thing you guys have going on, just isn’t gonna fly.

And hubby and I are on pins and needles with one another. Everything the other says is irritating. He claims I’m being mean and that I’m always being negative or down. It’s not that, I’m just tired. Little Man is not slowing down any. In fact, I think he’s getting more wired up and faster by the day. And I’m afraid that I’m sensing the terrible two’s coming on…and quickly. Add in the fact that he’s had a cold all week, I haven’t slept more than 6 hours a night since Hubby has been gone, and the fact that we’re out and about at some point nearly every single day; and you’ve got one exhausted and irritated mommy and wife. Let’s not forget the fact that my beloved husband [used in a serious context. No sarcasm. Seriously.] doesn’t seem to understand or maybe just doesn’t want to to understand all that I’m having to deal with here, and it makes for some not so nice tones and conversations.

He’s in California with not much to do and in a room all by his lonesome every night. I know he’s just as sick of being alone as I am. But being the hyper-masculine man that he is, he doesn’t want to talk about the fact that he’s unhappy. He’d rather just act like everything is A-okay and move on through his day to day activities. And I’m lonely. Most of my-ok, all of my friends are either 1) not even within driving vicinity of visiting, 2) Pregnant or mother’s themselves with families to tend to, or 3) work late shifts at work. There isn’t a whole lot to do around these parts of Alabama unless you are into the bar/club scene, which I’m not. Unless I’m with my husband, which, again, I’m not. And the idea of going out with other married couples to restaurants and whatnot is not so appealing considering I’ll be the third wheel. I did enough of that garbage in High School and College. Not aching to relive those days.

Hubby is in Cali with a bunch of other people who are away from their families and looking to occupy their time. So naturally, there is lots and lots for him to do. Like tonight. It’s Friday, and I’m sitting at home blogging my heart away because I have no one else to talk to and because I’m not uber-thrilled with the idea of spending another lonely night on the couch watching movies by myself. Especially when I know that my husband is either playing pool or sitting at the Base Movie Theatre watching the new “Robin Hood” movie {a movie I was really wanting to take the husband to see…since we rarely EVER go anywhere alone for more than an hour…} with a bunch of his buddies. Is it bad that I secretly wish he was as miserable as I am feeling? And I know that when [and if] he reads this, the thought is going to go thru his mind for me to “Get out and go do something.” I’m the one raising our son right now and I can’t just leave when I want. And like I mentioned before, where the heck would I go? And with who?

Maybe I’m jealous.

I’ve thought a lot about that possibility lately. Maybe I’m just honest-to-God jealous of my husband. I’m back exactly where I always wanted to get away from, doing exactly what I never wanted to do. Sitting here. In nowhere, Alabama with nothing to do and what I feel like is nothing ahead of me. I’m doing some photography on the side when I have clients, but it’s not exactly easy to build up clientele when I know that at some point this year, I’m going to be moving all over again and will lose all of them. Not to mention the fact that I don’t have 1) the funding for advertising or whatnot to really get my name out there while I am here; and 2) don’t even really have the equipment to do a lot “professionally.” I’m not in school or taking any kind of classes. Basically I am just sitting here and I’m afraid that a part of me is turning pee green with envy that my husband is in California [somewhere I’ve always wanted to go] actually doing something with his life and with his career. Hell, I don’t even have a ‘career.’ {Unless you count mother-hood. Which I do. Because God knows we do more work than some people out here who get paid.}

I just always feel like he is one step ahead of me in everything. Maybe this time away from one another has made me realize that. I know we are partners, and he encourages my dreams and my ambitions and my goals for the future. But, as some of you other moms know and will resonate with, he’s the one bringing in the income. He’s the one whose going to fund said dreams and goals. And none of mine will come true until his are reached. Because, without him reaching his, the finances for mine aren’t there. Because I can’t just go get a job. Because we have no one to keep our son. And what we would PAY for someone to keep our son, would probably be most, if not all of my measly paycheck. Because without a degree of any kind, I’m not equipped to do much more than Wait tables and run a cash register.

Ahh…I sound so pathetic. Geez. I hope whatever this is that’s gotten into me passes, and quickly. I’m proud of my husband, but the whole jealousy idea isn’t very comforting. Neither is the miserable, lonely, feeling I’m dealing with. Ok, and neither is uncertainty, doubt, frustration, and honest-to-goodness anger I’m feeling. And like I said, part of me just really doesn’t understand where it is all coming from. I love my husband more than anything and it isn’t like I’m contemplating divorce or something stupid like that; but I really don’t know what has come over me. Any of you other Army Wives who read this ever feel/have felt this way? Or am I just crazy? LOL   :)

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