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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Rediscovering Me

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Rediscovering Me

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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Rediscovering Me

Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland

April 24, 2010

Rediscovering Me

Things are moving along at a reasonable pace around here. The days are ticking by…somewhat slowly, but surely. Little Man gets to talk to his daddy once a day or at least every other day, depending on how busy he is. He calls me every night, we talk it up for usually an hour [sometimes a bit longer] and then I crawl into bed by my lonesome and enjoy spreading out and hogging all of the blankets.

The separation and time away from one another is going to have a lasting impact on our marriage. And I mean that in a good way. Hubby and I are already realizing the things that we wish we would have done a wee bit different over the last two years. I am remembering all of the reasons that I fell in love with him, the things that sometimes get over shadowed by my own selfishness and petty frustrations. I know without a shadow of a doubt, now more than ever before, that life without him will never be an option. Ever. We both said in the beginning that divorce was never an option if we hit a point in our marriage where we started to have problems. I concur with that now more than ever. Being without him instills the drive and the desire to make our marriage the best that it can be, forever.

I know it sounds somewhat mundane to say this, especially since I have only been away from Hubby for a week, but I feel like this time away from him is giving me the chance to rediscover who I am. The past two years have been the absolute best two years of my life. Without a shadow of a doubt. I married the only man in the world that I was ever meant to truly love, and together we brought the most amazing little boy into the world. But somewhere during the becoming a wife, packing up and leaving behind the place I was born and raised, and giving birth to our son, I lost who I was. Not completely because there is a part of me that makes an appearance on occasion.

I haven’t quite figured out how to adapt the parts of my life that have changed [the wife and mother roles] with the person that was me. I know that over time everyone changes. It’s inevitable. That’s life. If things didn’t change, our lives would be boring. But there are parts of me that I want to resurface. Desires and passions that I want to rekindle. Ambitions and dreams I want to take hold of again. And I think that Hubby feels the same way about himself. We went through a lot of changes in a short amount of time. We took some big steps and made a lot of leaps in our first two years. And I feel like we didn’t really get the opportunity to adapt to the changes slowly. I sometimes feel like we jumped blind.

I wouldn’t change anything at all. Not even in the slightest.  Don’t think that. I’m happy with the choices we have made and the changes life has thrown our way. And I love where we are. I love my life.

I feel sometimes like maybe I have neglected part of the duties I have as a wife. I can’t really put into words exactly what I mean…but I feel like I have allowed motherhood to become bigger than being a wife. And that comes first. Without my husband, Little Man wouldn’t be here. I know that I’m a good wife in so many ways. [Not to sound arrogant or anything, but I am. Ask my husband. He’ll tell you.] But there are so, so, so many things that I need to do differently.

Same thing with being a mom. There are so many things that I need to change. Things I want to do different. Things I want to change. Things I want to do better. I have a mental list and I am eager to improve some things.

I feel like being back at home, back in Alabama where things are simple and slower, is going to free up my mind. The new Miranda Lambert song “The House that Built Me” sums up some of what I’m feeling. I can’t relate to a specific home or anything, but this place, so much of my past is here. So much of who I was and who I became is here. I need to get in touch with that again. Remember who I wanted to be years ago, get in touch with who I dreamed of being for my husband and my son, and take the steps toward becoming the person I know in my heart that I am.

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