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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Facing Reality

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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Facing Reality

Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland

April 10, 2010

Facing Reality

The realization that Hubby is leaving us next weekend is finally starting to hit me. We’ve put off talking about it. Avoided the topic all together. And even tried to pretend it wasn’t coming. But it is. And I don’t like it. Not one teeny tiny bit. I know that I’m going to be “ok” and that I will adjust to it, but right now, as I sit in the kitchen and let the thoughts actually come to me, I know that I am definitely going to have moments of not being ok.

Little Man and I are accustomed to it just being me and him during the day…usually from early, early morning [before he even gets up] until at least 4:00. Those hours I will be able to handle because it won’t be any different than any other work day for Hubby. We have our little routines and schedules and that’s bearable.

What’s going to get to me is the evening hours. Especially bed time. No one here to tuck Little Man in with me. No one to bicker over who’s going to get to watch what on TV [though, it will be nice to be able to watch all of my shows without having to make a case as to why I deserve the TV]. No one to lay in bed and talk to when the lights are off. No one to vent to when I’m frustrated before bed. No one to stick my cold feet on as I get ready to go to sleep. No one to snuggle up with. Those thoughts upset me. Those thoughts make me not want to deal with this. Not want to endure this.

I’m remaining positive though. I keep reminding myself that this could certainly be worse. I don’t want to whine about 4 months of being separated from my Husband. Especially since there are other women whose husbands are over seas in dangerous War Zones. Mine is going to be on a base. Safe and secure, studying. My son is going to be able to talk to his daddy everyday on the phone and on the webcam. Other little kids may go days and weeks at a time without seeing or speaking to their children. Other military families don’t get the opportunity or have the ability to fly out and visit their husbands and daddy’s when they want to. We can. We can fly out as often as we want, pretty much. So I know that in all actuality it could be worse.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love my husband more than anyone or anything else in this world. It doesn’t mean that, even though we could wring each others necks at some point-nearly everyday-I want to be away from him. I love being with my husband. I love being around my husband. I love all of the little things that we do together. I love all of the inside jokes and the way that we can read each others thought and know what the other is going to do before we do it. And those are the kinds of things that I will miss.

And even though I know that it won’t, there is still a part of me that worries [well, more or less just wonders] that things will change while he is gone. That everything won’t be the same when he gets back. That terrifies me. Time does strange things. It changes people. Situations change people. Circumstances change people. And while I know that I love my husband and that my husband loves me, the human nature in me still has the tendency to wonder and fear.

The last time Hubby was away was only for 30 days. I remember how much I grew spiritually during that time. I hadn’t discovered blogging yet and had no where else to turn except to God. Sometimes the pain of being away from Hubby was too much for me to bare and people who’ve never experienced being away from their spouse (or someone they love as much as a spouse…) don’t understand what you are facing. They don’t grasp the hollowness that you can feel.

And I really worry about Little Man. I know how attached he is to his daddy. I am scared of how he is going to react to him being away for so long. We’re going to have webcam. And we’re going to be able to talk on Facebook and on the phone and on text messaging and all of that. But he doesn’t understand what’s going on. And I’m afraid he won’t know why his daddy isn’t here. Why he can’t hug his daddy or kiss his daddy or play with his daddy.

I think the part of me that is upset and worried about this, is upset and worried mostly for him. It certainly won’t be easy for the little guy. He is his daddy’s boy through and through and he idolizes the ground that Hubby walks on.

I know that I’m going to shed a lot of tears next week. Especially on Saturday. It’s not going to be easy. The next 4 months aren’t going to be easy. But I know that this is right. This is what Hubby is meant to do. This is going to take us down another path toward bigger and better things for our family. I’m excited. I’m scared. I’m nervous. And I’m ready. I’m prepared to deal with this. I’m a pretty emotionally strong woman. I know I can do this. I know I can. Because I have to. Because I need to. Because I want to.

I want to be a rock for my son. I want to be ok for my husband…because believe me, he isn’t excited about leaving us either. And if I’m ok, then I know that he’s going to be able to do his best and concentrate on his work at school. Because he knows that I can and am handling it. This is just another step toward where we want to be. Toward accomplishing what we want to accomplish.

I would like to ask that you guys think about us this week. Say a prayer or two, if you would. I can talk all of this ‘being prepared’ and ‘being ready’ talk…but Saturday I will have to put it into action. And I’m not sure, at this point, if I am ready to do that.

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