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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Contentment

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Contentment

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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Contentment

Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland

April 7, 2010

Contentment

My lovely friend Amanda at A Mom & Two Boys has written a fantastic post for you guys today! I found Amanda through our love of photography and our love for sweet little boys! {I only have one, but her two are precious!!} She is such a sweet gal and her love for Christ is unmistakable. I highly encourage you to head over and check her stuff out.

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Contentment...

I have been mulling over a post on contentment for some time...
My fear was the belief that as soon as I described my life as contented, something would change, I would succumb to a terrible fate...discontent.
Or worse, something tragic would occur as I often fear because at times I feel too blessed (my husband disagrees with outlook....often saying I worry too much).

But the truth is, I feel contented MOST of the time...

It is true that we are living paycheck to paycheck as KKS pursues his degree.

It is true that I am still trying to lose 10 lbs.

It is true that we have heartbreaking extended family struggles whose theme finds their way into my dreams.

It is true that if I had a choice I would NOT work outside the home, but would spend more time with my boys and become a writer.

It is true that our house is 1460 square feet and at times it feels much smaller.

It is true that KKS and I have evenings where neither one of us want to talk or look at each other.

It is true that I have moments of insecurity, moments where my flaws seem so much bigger than anything good in me.

It is true that there are times I beat myself up over things I should or should not have said and done...

BUT the definition of contentment is this: quietly happy and satisfied: peacefully happy and satisfied with the way things are or with what has been done...

And I do feel at peace, because while those things above are the truth, I have found the other side of the coin....

We live paycheck to paycheck, but we pay all of our bills, have food on our table, often splurging on a couple things here and there...

We have found a new appreciation for garage sales, Goodwill and Name Brand Clothing...

And my husband is thrilled to be back in school, something he really never thought would happen...

The extra 10 pounds are still there but my husband thinks I am attractive and according to BMI calculations I weigh what I "should"...without giving up coveted sweets...

Even though we have those heartbreaking extended family struggles, we have members of our family that love us unconditionally...And even if we didn't we are an incredibly tight family unit all on our own…

Yes, I work outside the home at least 40 hours a week BUT it is a cushy job with great hours and quite a few paid holidays....And this job allows us so many wonderful opportunities our family would not otherwise have...

My in-laws keep our boys while I work.....LOVE them like crazy, teach them, take them to the library and feed them organic, home cooked meals...

I write...in my blog, which might inspire me to do more one of these days....

My 1460 sq foot house is decorated, lived in and isn't just a house it is a home...a home cluttered with toys that slowly sneak out of the playroom after they have been put to rest night after night. It is a home where I am proud to invite people, host holidays and family meals. It is a home filled with giggles, mooches, cuddling and love.

My husband-oh my husband- who can push the buttons that frustrate me but who can make me laugh out loud moments later, who still gives me butterflies with a simple smile, look or word and whom I will adore forever....we have THAT marriage...the one I have always wanted....

My insecurity, my flaws.......they are there, they are always there but I have a God who sees right to the heart of me, who is NOT surprised by my flaws and whom when asks forgives them, wipes the slate clean...

So this week I see the heads up side of the coin which happens more often than not. The slow transformation from a once overly anxious little girl, teenager, woman will never be complete. I will not find the perfection for which I have so desperately sought. I have discovered, after much futile searching, happiness comes from abandoning the search and living for today.

Buying curtains at Wal-Mart and a wall hanging at a garage sale...

Combining clothes I already have rather than searching for new...

Enjoying a library book rather than purchasing...

Being a best friend to my husband and embracing him as mine rather than worrying about finding one, grateful he desires that relationship...

Preferring a home cooked meal to a restaurant, a rented movie to one in the theater....

Believing in my ability to be a great mommy, while learning from my mistakes...

Choosing imperfection...

Happy I am ME...

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This post hit home with me like you wouldn’t believe! I have always struggled with contentment. Always thinking I needed more or wanted more than I had. Once you have a child and get married, things take on a different perspective and different meanings. I have found myself content and happy in the circumstances that used to would have made my semi-arrogant former self cringe. These days I find myself longing for nights on the couch with a RedBox movie…ordering in a pizza or cooking side by side with my husband instead of going out to eat…enjoying quiet time in the Library or bookstore over having to fight for silence to read in at home.

Life isn’t perfect, but imperfection is beautiful.

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