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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Mother-Wife or Lover-Wife?

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Mother-Wife or Lover-Wife?

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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Mother-Wife or Lover-Wife?

Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland

March 2, 2010

Mother-Wife or Lover-Wife?

Find the balance between being a wife and a mother is hard.

It's a headache. It's an adventure. It's a never ending choice that has to be made: "What is going to be the most important thing to me today?" And I feel like more often than not, our poor husbands lose out on that choice. I don't think we ever mean anything by it, but it happens. And it can take it's toll on our marriages if we aren't careful.

For me, their are some things that I just have to have in order to be the best wife and mommy I can be. I have to have time to both read and write blogs every day. This is my creative outlet. The place where I can sit with my computer, my thoughts and my words and just be. I have to have caffeine. I don't function in the mornings without it-at all. I have to have my mental health time. This isn't something that I have to have every day, or really even every week. But at some point, before two weeks is over, I have to have it. If not, I turn into mommy-zilla and it's not pretty.

And I've started to discover that being the best mommy I can is a result of me being the best wife that I can. It's all a cycle that feeds off of itself. In the past {almost} two years that hubby and I have been married, I have realized that how we relate to one another directly impacts how I relate to everyone else. If hubby ticks me off first thing in the morning before he leaves to go to work, then I may as well crawl in bed because the rest of my day is shot. And I've found that the days that I am frustrated or upset with hubby, are the days that I find my patience with little man at an unbelievable low. And that's not something I am proud of.

I heard, okay well actually read a tweet this weekend that went something along the lines of: You can't be the mother God called you to be, until you become the WIFE he called you to be. This has stuck with me all weekend and I think that it is so, so true. Without my husband, I wouldn't even have my son. If it weren't for my husband, Little Man wouldn't be the tiny little person with the BIG personality that he already is. And finding the balance between putting my husband before my son, is difficult.

As a woman, there is nothing more surreal than looking at your child and knowing that it is your sole, God-given responsibility to provide safety, comfort and love for this tiny little person. And there is nothing wrong with that. But sometimes, our desire to be that perfect mommy can inhibit us from being even a mediocre wife. Since Little Man was born, I have found myself putting him and his 'needs' above everything else on more than one occasion. Half-heartedly listening to my Hubby when he was telling me about his day, unwilling to give him so much as a kiss or a snuggle before collapsing into bed because I was too exhausted from my mommy duty, or overflowing with commands and requests the moment he steps out of the car-without so much as a hello.

I'm not really very proud of that, but it's life. And it's truth. And I'm pretty sure that that has happened in 100% of the homes in which this blog is being read. We don't do it intentionally, but it happens. Motherhood is an emotinoally, physically and mentally exhausting job. For me, aspects of motherhood are always on my mind. As I sit here now and type, my toddler is running around in his diaper playing with a toy truck. I have one eye on the computer and the other totally focused on him...making sure that we don't get any boo-boos or put some unknown sticky substance on the freshly painted walls or carpet. When I sit at the salon and attempt to relax while indulging in a Starbuck and a mani/pedi, my mind is still on my son...what he's doing, what he's done, if he's eating/sleeping/pooping like he should be. It's a constant state of mind. One that I will never understand how men can pull themselves out of that mentality.

In the past several weeks, hubby and I have made more of an intent effort to be together. It's hard for us to find time when we have zero family around to keep Little Man for a few hours. Maybe it's the looming seperation period that we know is inevitable, maybe it's because our anniversary is coming up, or maybe it's just because we truly miss one another. But whatever it is, we have enjoyed a lot of us time lately, even with a toddler running around.

We've rented several RedBox movies over the past few weeks and spent some quality time snuggling up on the couch with totally unhealthy frozen foods serving as our meal. We've started calling it an evening a little bit earlier than usual, just so we can crawl in bed and spend some time in conversation before we fall asleep. And we are planning to spend an incredibily romantic and much needed weekend at the beach the week before hubby flies out to California. Completely alone. No children. No computers. Nothing. Just me and him and the beautiful white sand beaches of Panama City Beach and a few {okay, probably several} fruity drinks.

I love my husband. And he used to get the best of me, all the time. And even though there is another little man in my life, he deserves my best now. In keeping with the mindset of intentionally being me that I started on yesterday, I'm making a vow to myself and my husband to start intentionally loving my husband and intentionally working for the BEST in our marriage. Things are great between us right now, but they can always be that much better! I'm going to work harder and strive daily to keep him first {behind God, of course} and make sure that he knows that I not only love him, but I cherish him and appreciate everything about him. He is a wonderful man and he deserves nothing but the best from me.

It's time for me to go back to being a "Lover-Wife" rather than a "Mother-Wife." We were lovers and friends before we were parents together, and it's time that I make sure that he knows that the woman he married in the beginning is still here. I may be hiding behind a diaper bag, slobber covered clothing and spilt apple juice stains-but I'm here nonetheless. And that's what counts. :)
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