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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: I'll take my blessings with a side of Exhaustion, please.

Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland

January 19, 2010

I'll take my blessings with a side of Exhaustion, please.


I have found myself in a funk the past week or so that I am having a hard time detecting the source of. I have been ill and cranky...snapping at my poor husband for unknown reasons...letting things bother me that really shouldn't...and just dragging. All the way around. I can come up with no real reason other than the fact that I am just tired. And burnt out.

On what? I don't really know. But I'm just worn out. I feel like I am going and going and going non-stop and can't figure out how to slow down. And for the past week, I feel like I've been flying on auto-pilot. And I need to get over it. I need to snap out of it. I hate when I feel this way. It strains my marriage. It stains my parenting. It makes me even more exhausted than I already am. And it's time to get through it. When I lay down at night and start mulling over what it is that's bothering me {Don't you hate when there is something wrong, but you just can't put your finger on what it is?} God keeps throwing back in my face things of the past. Hurts, pain, rejection, negative words & actions directed at me. All of these things that have drug me down in the past, he is bringing up again.

When I really started thinking about it, I think that these things that he is reminding me of, are things that I have never really gotten over. Things that have affected [or is it effected? I never remember which is which...] me in the long run, shaped who I am, and ultimately shaped how I treat people. If I were to be really open and honest with you and with myself, I would have to tell you that I can be extremely rude. I can be downright mean. And a lot of times, I don't really mean to be. It's just something that comes out. Especially if I am having a bad day or I'm tired. Just watch out. Because that's usually when I lash out for no reason. And unfortunately, the only people that catch the fiery end of my attitude, are my husband and my son. And that upsets me. That makes me feel really awful. And I'm determined to change that.

So, as is God's usual, he decided that this morning at the crack of dawn was the time to show me what to do about it. Remember me mentioning that I have started watching Joyce Meyer in the mornings [and I mean at 6:00 am...when it's still dark outside]? Well, I turned her on this morning after my husband left while I was eating my pop-tart and she was talking about the Fruits of the Spirit. And she started talking about how we don't actually receive God's true blessings until we learn to be content and happy with what we have.

Now, don't get me wrong. Despite my sometimes crappy attitude, I am very happy with my life. I love my husband and my son more than anything in this world and I recognize the blessings God has poured out on us. But being content with myself is something I have a hard time with. I am guilty of jealousy. I am guilty of wanting what others have. I am human. And this morning Joyce rocked my boat a little bit when she made this point:

"You can't recieve God's true blessings until you are happy with yourself and what God's given you. And you can't truly love someone the way that God calls you to love them, until you first learn to love yourself."

I immediately thought of my husband and my son when I read this last part. It isn't that I don't love myself, but I don't really love myself. The way that I should. I don't appreciate myself and my talents. I don't appreciate the attributes and qualities God has blessed me with. I spend more time acknowledging everything that I'm NOT good at and that I FAIL at, rather than taking notice of the things that I do right. I allow my negative attitude about myself to trickle down into my marriage and my abilities as a mother. I allow the fact that, while I may not be working or may not be in school right now, get me down. Satan creeps in and uses that to convince me that what I'm doing is pointless and serves no purpose. And that's a lie. A big, fat lie.

So this morning, after Joyce Meyer went off, I drug myself back upstairs. It was still dark, the house was quiet. I crawled back in my bed and I cried. I let out everything that was bothering me. I cried out the 20-something years of pain, of hurt, of rejection. I let out the fears and frustrations. I let out the expectations and the disappointments. I let it go. I cried out to God right there in my room and he met me there. I fell asleep wrapped up in a blanket and in the Father's arms. I was awoken by my beautiful son and was greeted with a toothy smile and outstretched arms for his Mama to pull him out of bed. He layed there and snuggled up with my in the bed and we took a short snooze together.

When we got up and came downstairs, I was still tired. I stepped on a plastic ball and nearly rolled my ankle. And a bottle of water fell out of the refridgerator on my foot. Little man still cried because he was ready for breakfast and I wasn't moving fast enough for him. And when he got ready to lay down for a nap, his 'exhaustion' had him cranky and pitching a fit again. And you know what I realized? Life isn't PERFECT! Even with Christ by my side...even though I spent a better part of the morning in his presence, life still happens. Things still go wrong. I'm still tired. But it's a lot easier to tackle these things with him than it is to do it alone.

I feel better now. Now that I have let it out and layed it at his feet. Will these things creep up on me again? Probably. Letting go of pain is the same as forgiveness. You have to lay it down day after day after day until it's truly gone. You have to learn to chip away at the hardness that has been allowed to build up. And this morning, I grabbed my chisel. This morning I took down the first layer, as I will continue to do until it's gone. My hope is that I can let this go quickly. Or atleast be more aware of when it is getting to me. For my husbands sake and the sake of my son. They don't deserve the attitude I have given them. They deserve better. And I want to be better for them.

On a different note....

Our chuch has been holding an End Times Prophecy Conference this weekend. We had 3 sessions on Sunday, one last night and we have one tonight and Wednesday. It's pretty deep stuff. Really excellent material. If anyone is interested in my notes, please email me. However, if you would rather take your own, check out our Church Website for links to the actual sermons. You can download them and listen for free. I encourage you, if you've ever wondered about the Rapture and End Times prophecy to go have a look. These speakers KNOW their material and you will certainly be glad you checked it out.

And thanks to all of my wonderful blog friends who loyally comment on my posts. You guys rock and I love reading what you have to say. Your words of encouragement always make me smile and I very much appreciative of your support.

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4 Comments:

At January 19, 2010 at 12:20 PM , Blogger Mandi Miller said...

I know one of your talents is definitely writing! ;-)

I think I do the same thing... focusing on my weaknesses or what I perceive to be weaknesses and letting past hurts get in the way of truly loving myself... the way God made me! It is such an insult to Him when we don't love ourselves because we are His workmanship!
It is hard to let go of some things but you are right, if I don't then it does affect (or effect?) my marriage and parenting. I am so glad I read this today!!

 
At January 19, 2010 at 10:18 PM , Blogger Tina said...

I am with you on this. I have been just a mess for the past couple of weeks or so, time has just not been on my side and I can't seem to get caught up on any of my responsibilities. Sometimes life is so hard, isn't it?
I'll join you in working harder to be more accepting of ourselves, in order to be better for our families!!

 
At January 20, 2010 at 12:07 AM , Blogger Amie Christine said...

Hey pretty lady! :) I'm there with you! I definitely have my FAIR share of being nasty for different reasons... love and am praying for you. let me know if you need an ear or wanna hang out for FUN! :)

 
At January 20, 2010 at 7:48 PM , Blogger Skye said...

Don't be so hard on yourself! It seems like you are really focused on what is important to you in life, you look for the positive, and you do recognize your talents. Obviously, loving yourself is something everyone has to work on continuously, but give yourself some credit! :)

 

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