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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Missing my husband...

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Missing my husband...

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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Missing my husband...

Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland

July 28, 2009

Missing my husband...

No, the husband didn't go anywhere. He's upstairs laying bed...probably snoring by now. While I find myself sitting downstairs at the kitchen table pecking away at a computer and thinking to myself that my placemats need washing. I think parenthood is starting to take its toll on us. Atleast, that's how I'm feeling. Seems like there is no "us" time anymore. No intimacy. No romance. I thought we had that whole 'finding time for each other after a baby' thing licked, but I'm starting to question that judgement a little. Something I've been noticing for several weeks now. Something I try to bring into conversation and dear husband, being very much the man that he is (and most others are as well I think) brushes off as if he sees no change.

Why are men like that? Why do they not see when you start drifting from one another? Is it because they are so hell-bent and focused on their jobs or whatever that they fail to notice relationships? I feel like we have no...what's the word I'm looking for? Alone time? Privacy? Time for Conversation? It seems everything is a rush. It's always in a hurry. Conversation...Intimacy...always something that needs doing. A dish to wash, clothes to fold, a toddler ot keep from destroying the house and everything in it (lol...he's not really that bad. Just your typical little explorer.)

Josh is tired. This I know. He works very hard and doesn't complain (very often anyway...less than most I'll put it that way.) He's a wonderful husband. An amazing daddy. The sole breadwinner of our family and is about to take on a second job. I'm terrified. Of that second job. I'm jealous of that job. Weird huh? I'm jealous that, although we can definately use the second income, that job will be getting more of my husbands already little time. That job will take another 12 hours of his day away from me...and my son. Granted that job is reserved for days that he doesn't have to go do his Coast Guard thing, but still.

People warned us, well me atleast, that this would come. The doctors, family, friends with children...first the baby comes then the marriage slips. Not that we are to the point of divorce or have a bad marriage by any means, just having trouble finding time. And I'm missing him. Severely. Like now, he was tired. I could tell he was when he got home from work today (2 hours later than usual thanks to a duty week and a trip to Ft. Myers today). We cooked homemade pizza, gave the baby a bath together, played with the little guy for a while and put him to bed early (at 7:30...an entire hour earlier than usual...and without protest!). I was excited. I was thinking that maybe we would get in some quality us time for a change. Baby was down early, the kitchen was cleaned up, nothing in the house to do. Wrong. I ended up taking a bath, he played the computer for a few minutes and watched the Yankees/Rays game, and now at 9:30, he is sleeping and I'm downstairs...

::Sigh:: I don't know. It's got me a little upset. It's one of those things, like I said, that I try to bring up, try to point out, and apparently I am the only that notices. I guess men think that as long as you aren't fighting and arguing that everything is totally perfect. After all of these years and all of the things that men should have learned, they still haven't mastered the idea of what women want or need. I want romance. I want conversations about things besides diapers, baby food and doctors appointments. I want to get dressed up in a nice dress and go out with my husband for more than just an hour or two. I want to walk down the beach holding my husbands hand without having to carry a child on my right hip...I want to be pursued again instead of just...married. Does that make any sense?

Do any of you ever feel like that? Do you feel sometimes like the spark is gone or dwindling from your marriage? You've got to. Maybe it's not something you all are wanting to talk about, but I will. I'm secure enough in my marriage to know that Josh and I have everything God intended for two people, even when we hit the rough patches. This isn't really anything too personal that I don't feel comfortable sharing. I'm pretty sure that out of 100 women, 150 of them have delt with this. What do you do? How do you overcome it? How do you find time to be together when you are already fighting the clock to get everything else that needs accomplishing done? Maybe you just...do it. You just cut out things. Miss things. Go without accomplishing something. Leave the dirty dishes in the sink. Don't sweep the kitchen floor. Miss the ballgame. Don't catch up on a blog. (ahem...) Lose an hour of sleep, even if you need it. Are those things really so much more important than the simple most important (earthly) relationship we have?

I'm learning. I'm new to a lot of things other than parenting. Being a wife is one of them. In case some of you didn't know, Josh and I were only married for 6 months before Noah came along. And were only married for 2 weeks before we found out...We got thrown into being newlyweds and discovering how to make a marriage work and adjust to living with one another and each others bad habits (not picking our clothes up off the floor and moving things the other person sets down...one is him, the other me) and tackling the adjustments that come with being a new parent. Dealing with the emotional (will he ever stop crying?), physical (how long can a person go with only 3 hours of a sleep a night) and financial (lets see, diapers or bread this month? Just kidding, we were never that broke) stresses of parenthood. I think we are doing a pretty good job. We haven't killed one another. Have only had a few major, serious blowups. And Noah is healthy as a horse, unbelievably happy and growing like a weed.

::Another sigh:: Anyway. I guess we will see. I'm writing this is partial hope that the husband will read it (as he usually does once every day or two) and get the idea. [Hint Hint...candles, flowers, notes, cards...chocolate. Scratch that...Starbucks. Haha. He gets it. Movies. ALONE TIME ;) ] We'll live. We'll get through it. Everyone does. I just can't imagine people who have 2 or 3-or more for that matter-kids. Anywho. I guess I'm off to bed. Not really tired. Maybe I'll go nuzzle up against the husbands back and fall asleep. The baby won't be waking up for atleast another 8 hours or so. Maybe I can get in a good nights rest. Good night to all! :)
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4 Comments:

At July 29, 2009 at 6:47 AM , Blogger Kelli said...

You should by and read Sheet Music. It's a great book that will help. Hang in there girly.

 
At July 29, 2009 at 9:46 AM , Blogger ModernMom said...

Hey there. First Thanks so much for stopping by my blog!

Now, you know what..yes. I think most happily or unhappily married women will tell you they have been there!
For me, I had to adjust what my idea of romance was. Before I was married with 2 kids it was a lot more flowers and nights out with candle and long dinners. Now, its text messages, little notes, date nights planned at home with take out and a rented flick. I did have to learn to leave the dishes (they will still be there tomorrow) or the floor. Sometimes to sacrafice that extra hour of sleep. That baby faze it is hard, but it does get easier and I think you are so right....men just don't worry as much as we do about "us" and the state of "us".

I agree with Kelli.."Hang in there"
:)

 
At July 30, 2009 at 5:50 PM , Blogger Meagan Frank said...

Courtney...
My book is definitely right up your alley. I have been impressed with how hard you want to work at things (your blog site...your mothering) so I have no doubt that you can work through this marriage stress too. It has been found (through research) that women often sense discord in a relationship up to one year before a man ever does! It is not entirely up to you to make changes, but you can start to make some small changes for yourself that will improve the way that you look at all that bothers you. Your site is a great start! Invest in you...gather some valuable friends around you who can be the "emotional" support that most men can never be. Identify what EXACTLY you want (romance, date night, etc.) and take the reigns to make it happen. He may never notice, or know how to best help you unless you explicitly tell him. Hang in there, and take each day as it comes:)

 
At July 31, 2009 at 8:59 AM , Blogger Tania @ Larger Family Life said...

Firstly, congratulations to you both.

Secondly, don't be hard on yourself or your husband. A new baby, especially the first one, is a time of adjustment and it's not made any easier when you're so tired.

Adjusting doesn't have to be something bad. You just have to move the goalposts and redefine what romance and what your relationship is. It might not be an evening at a restaurant, but you can still set the table with candles, have soft music playing and a nice meal when baby is sleeping (or not!).

 

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