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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Rambling...

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Rambling...

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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Rambling...

Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland

March 2, 2009

Rambling...

I have been thinking about a lot of different things lately...don't really know why. I guess that's just the way life is...Mainly, I started thinking about (once again) how much life has changed over the past 4 years of my life...especially the past year. Like I said in my last post, I just don't feel 21 (almost 22). I feel so much older than I really am. I finally feel the full brunt of being an adult. Josh and I had to do blood work and all today for life insurance...Life Insurance. That's not something I have ever thought about. We have life insurance. We have a College Fund opened up for Noah. We have money in a Savings Account...and we have a mutual fund. LOL I used to save my money in a jar shoved in the back of my closet until I wanted to spend it. Now I have "grown up" accounts.

And I have a husband. And a Son. A child. A child of my own. I have always wanted my own child. And I have always dreamed about the day that I would be with the person I was supposed to be with. Having a child changes your perspective on life anyways. I had always heard that, but I never really understood the true seriouseness of that statement until Noah was born. The second that I held him for the first time, I knew that I would do absolutely everything in my power to protect him and take care of him. Like right now. He has 2 teeth coming in (both of his bottom front teeth) and he is getting a cold. Despite the lack of sleep on my part, there is nothing I want more than for him to get well. Even if that means that I have to stay awake all night long, I want him to be ok. I want him to feel good and not hurt.

That's something else that I am amased by. The instincts that kick in when you have a child. I think they are different for men and women, daddy's and mommy's, but instincts take over when you have your own child anyway. From the time Noah was born, I could tell what every cry meant, what every whimper was implying, when he wants to be fed, when he needs changing, when he has a tummy ache, when he just wants attention. I have always been a deep, hard sleeper...now, every noise he makes I hear. I wake up at the slightest sound that something is wrong with him. I'll be completely honest though, I really think that there are some women who are made to be excellent mothers and some who are just there to fill a space in a child's life.

Like I said though, I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother. As far back as I can remember, I never really wanted a career. I wanted a family. Now that I have a family, I am acutely aware of my desire to have a career. It's weird. I have never cared whatsoever about a "career." In high school, there were people in my class that had their future laid out. College, Post-Graduate Studies, Professional Career, Work awhile, then a family. Especially in college. Contrary to popular belief, there weren't but a handful of girls in my sorority that didn't have everything laid out for their futures. I thought when I got to college that I would have some perspective on what I wanted to do. Took a pile of different kinds of classes, thought I would stumble onto something that I would enjoy, actually did enjoy several things, but never found my thing. All I wanted to do was get married. I don't know it's just weird.

My future "career" or whatever has really been on my mind alot lately. Alot Alot. Now that I have my family...my husband and my child, I want more. I want a career. And not just some mediocre job. Some mediocre something just to waste time during the day. Something big. Something that matters. Something that has an affect (or effect...never can remember which word goes with which context) on people. I want to be one of those people that makes a difference. I have always felt like until I got married and had Noah, that everything else up until that point had been mediocre...like I have always been stuck straddling the middle ground. I feel like Josh and Noah are the 2 things that have taken me from mediocre to extraordinary...and now I want more, I want it to continue.

I have always been told I should write. People have read my stories, read my essays, read some of my poetry. They are ok. I'll be honest, some of them are really good. But, maybe I am being modest, but I just don't think they are that good. Not good enough for me to actually make a career out of writing. Josh gets irriatated when I say that...lol, really irritated actually. Maybe I am like every one else with talent and doesn't necessarily realize their potential. I don't know. I took journalism and hated it. But when I read books; Jane Austen or especially Nicholas Sparks, I want to write. I read "The Lucky One" by Nicholas Sparks the other day, and was in awe at how good he writes. How smooth his story is, how real it seems...I would kill to be able to write like that. But I start thinking about a career as a writer, and all I can think about is how "mediocre" that seems. Josh and I had this conversation at Applebees the other day. He gets frustrated with me. But I just can't see spending 4 years in college to get a degree in "Creative Writing" and then sit at home day in and day out to write, just hoping that one day something I write will get published. Even being optimistic, 4 years of college, then 2 or 3 years to write a novel...which usually your first novel never even reaches a publisher...another 2 years to write another, if a publisher takes it, then you look at 8 months to a year to get it in print. So that's 6 years of sitting and hoping in front of a computer just hoping that someone cares enough about what you have to say to publish it.

I don't know. LOL I don't really have any clue why I decided to sit down and type all of this out. Just haven't been online alot lately. I guess I just needed to let out some air for a little while. Noah is sick and teething...he has been ill and whiney, so I haven't had much of a break. And Josh is still recovering from surgery and trying to help as much as he can so we are both wore out. I always feel better when I blog. And these days it's so much easier to do than write. I have got to start writing in my journal more often than I do. The internet is a shaky thing, a notebook will be easier to pass on to Noah or a daughter (if we ever have one)...Alright, I guess I am done rambling for tonight. Need to get some sleep while I can. Noah will probably be up in a few hours.

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