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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: The Inner You

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The Inner You

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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: The Inner You

Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland

August 27, 2008

The Inner You

How many people really and truly know you? I mean the real you. Not the person you pretend to be or act like when you are out around a bunch of people at work or at school. But that true inner person you are when you are alone at night, laying in bed. Who really knows who that person is? I was pondering that thought tonight when I was finishing up "The Choice" –the new book by Nicholas Sparks that came out Monday. (Yes, I'm done already. Great book for anyone who's interested.) As I read, I couldn't help but notice the way the two main characters seemed to really comprehend who the other was. But asSparks simultaneously gives insight into each ones thoughts and feelings, you see that even though the two are in love and know one another, they really don't always know the inner workings of their counter-parts feelings and thoughts.
Now, I'm not a complete idiot on this one. Just hear me out and have some patience because I have a feeling this blog is going to hit several different points, as I have a lot of thoughts swirling around right now. I know that it is pretty much impossible for anyone to know EVERYTHING about someone. I mean, my grandparents were married for almost 60 years before my grandmother died and my PawPaw used to say that discovering new things about her after all of those years was one of the best parts about marriage. But most of us walk through life with the inner desire to have someone know who we really are and what makes us tick. To meet someone that actually wants to know all about us. The things that happened to us to make us who we are. The things we want out of life. The things that scare us. Our hopes. Our dreams. Our inner most desires. (Yeah, yeah… cliché I know, but whatever. It makes the point.)Yet, instead of revealing those things about us, not only do we not put those things out there; 99% of the time, we pretend to be something different all together. There's not a soul walking this planet that can tell me that they walk around 100% of the time in what I'll call a true state of self. I don't even think it's possible. I mean, I try to be "who I am on the inside" and all of that every time I am out and around people, but with today's society the way that it is, I can't.
There are roles to fill, molds to fall into. Stereotypes, cliché's, etc. And as much as we all try to escape those things, we can't.I can sit here right now as I type this and think of several dozen things that not a soul knows about me. Even Racheal and Robyn- my two very best friends. Casey probably comes closest to knowing me the best, but that's because she's my sister and lives with me. But even so, things that I think. Things that I feel. Things that I want out of life. Things that I hope for and pray for every single day. Things I am afraid of, and not things like sharks or clowns (both of which terrify me), but real things.
Now, for the question. As much as we all (especially us girls) want someone to know us for who we are, to love us for who we are…do we really? Does anyone really want to be known that well, by anyone? Is it even possible? Even for people like my grandparents who have been with one another for years and years, is it possible for people to get to know one another that well? Well enough to predict one anothers actions, complete their sentences, know their thoughts? I don't think so.
The idea of someone knowing you that intimately, scares the crap out of me to be completely frank. It's almost like that dream you always see on TV or hear people talk about- the one where you go to work or school completely naked and exposed for everyone to see.In life, especially in intimate, romantic relationships, revealing yourself, usually ends up causing more humiliation and pain. Think about all of your past relationships that have ended. Ever been with someone who knew stuff about you that no one else seemed to know and been afraid of who they would tell now that they were no longer entitled to your secrecy? And lots of times, it's not even big stuff. The stuff that supposedly makes us "tick." Can you imagine what a person could do to you if they knew stuff like that? They could destroy you. And no, I don't mean physically. But they could wipe you out emotionally and psychologically. Letting yourself get close like that can set you up for pain.
So where is the stopping point? What do we do? Do we go through life hiding who we are to keep from getting hurt? When we meet that one person that we are supposed to be with, do we reveal those types of secrets to them? I don't really have much of an answer for this one. It goes hand in hand with that age old question I find myself asking occasionally, "Who am I?" Does anyone really know? Can we really self examine ourselves and our actions enough to truly figure it out? I don't think so. We can't figure ourselves out any more than we can figure out the future. That's like all of these career driven people saying they "know", I repeat KNOW what they are going to do for the rest of their life. There are some things that you just don't know….Again, I ask myself…what do we do?
What do we do with the inner desire to be known? To be understood? I think we all have an outlet. A way of channeling that inner self. Do we all use it? No. Not all of us. For some people, they use art- painting, drawing, photography…For other's, it's music. For me, I write. Don't know why, but it's always been something that has come naturally for me. Something I've always loved, and had an appreciation for. Besides these random, semi-philosophical blogs I post, I keep a journal. Not everyday, but most days I write. About everything and anything. Life, thoughts, fears, hopes…all of those little things we say we want other people to know about us. Will anyone ever know them about me? Will we ever even know them about ourselves? Maybe. Maybe not…whose to say?
"There are moments in life that serve as turning points. Moments where we have to make decisions. Choices. Choices that will make or break us. Change who we are, and we are destined to become. It is in these moments that we discover who are, who we were, and who we are destined to become. It's all part of the journey. It's all a part of life. Life is a discovery…it's a voyage. You can spend all of your time trying to decipher every move, predict every outcome…or you can enjoy the ride. Take it as it comes and for what it is. Because it is only in those moments, that we, as individuals, are truly defined."

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