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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Finding Your Other Half...and yourself

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Finding Your Other Half...and yourself

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Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland: Finding Your Other Half...and yourself

Live Beautiful | Courtney Kirkland

August 27, 2008

Finding Your Other Half...and yourself

I know I have only been married for a few month, before all of you out there start with the whole "You haven't been married long enough...just wait till things get hard..."ordeal. I understand that. I also understand that (1) Marriage isn't for everyone. (2) Marriage is Hard work...something you strive every single day to perfect. (3) In my opinion, there is only 1 person out there for each individual.
Now that I have gotten that out there in the open, I wanted to follow up on the writings of last September. I previously questioned whether or not I thought that I would ever be able to open up and let myself get to know someone intimately, and be known intimately. I went through a lot of bad relationships...seriously, ask my sister. I was in a rough spot for a long time in my life, simply on account of one bad relationship after another. I was broken and hurt, and really just down on myself all the time. On top of worrying with guys, I was trying to decide what to do with my life, dealing with some issues with my parents...just a whole lot of junk going on at one time. I've always been on a much more mature level than most people my age, and I've always been equipped to handle a ton of things at one time, but I was just literally at my breaking point.
During all of that, was when I got my new job in the Intensive Care Unit at our local hospital. That's when I met Josh. I started working in the Unit at the very beginning of August on day shift...doing training, taking classes, all of that fun stuff. I didn't actually begin working on our 3-11 shift until September. I had heard all about Josh from the first day I was up there. Not in a "You guys should go out" kind of way, but more of a "There's this guy you'll be working with, he really knows his stuff, I think you two will really get along..." kind of way. We met for the first time during shift change while I was on days. Immediately I put my guard up, because I could sense automatically that there was something there. There was just something different about him than there was anyone else that I had ever met in my life. We eventually started working together 5 or 6 days a week, and got to know one another, but it wasn't until October that I gave him my phone number, and that's only because he was supposed to be calling me about a textbook for a class I was taking. After that though, he started calling when we left work and talking me home ( I lived an hour away from the hospital we worked at) to make sure I made it ok. We talked alot about basic stuff, and later, even after I had made it home, I'd sit on my front porch for 2 or 3 hours and we just talked. About everything. About anything. It was during those phone conversations, that for the first time in my life, I was able to open up and be myself.
I tell you all of this, because that, in itself is the point. I still have an outlet when there are things on my mind, especially when Josh isn't around. But Josh, is my outlet. Never have I known anyone that could listen to everything that is on my mind, and know by the way I'm talking and the things that I'm bothered by whether or not he should even say anything or try to help.
I think, now having met my "someone", that there is that opportunity for us to let ourselves be known. But, I think that the only time that we should do that, is when we are sure and 100% trust the person that we are talking to. It's a hard thing to break yourself down, let down that wall and be completely and honestly open with someone. It's a feeling of vulnerability to really be known by someone. It's like be exposed to the world. When you let someone get to know that intimate person that you really are, they have every arsonal that they need to break you down. It's a subconscious fear by everyone...to be known...to be exposed...to be embarrassed.
It's something that used to terrify me. I think everyone has at some point or another, had a mistake thrown up in their face and been ashamed of something they have done. I know I have. But, by allowing myself to open up to Josh the way that I have in the time we have been together, not only have I been able to forgive myself for a lot of the stupid things that I have done and the horrible mistakes that I have made, but he has helped me to discover more of who I really am...just by examining my own life and my own experiences. It's good to be guarded...until you can find someone to confide in. Someone to really and truly talk to without the fears and the pressures of being judged and being misunderstood. Until that outlet becomes available...seek out that venting place...that place to channel yourself. It's such a release to be able to just "be" and not have to worry about the rest of the world. I guess I understand why people turn to meditation. Use art...use photography...use music. Who knows? Someone out there may be the next Picaso...or Ansel Adams.
Anyways...that's my thoughts and my follow up on that. Did I find someone to know me? Yes I did...and he's the greatest thing to ever happen in my life. Did I discover myself? Yes I have...but that, I believe is a journey that lasts and lasts. We are recreated every morning when we wake up...we add new pages to our books...and those pages, are discovered and rediscovered by ourselves and by others day in and day out. But it's not something to stop doing...not something to stop exploring.

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